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The Characters of Susie Crackhead copyright 1997-1998, written and illustrated by Dan Fritz |
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The Misadventures of Susie Crackhead
The Rancorous Tales of the Corpulent Squirrel
Professor Portnoy and his Minions
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Susie Crackhead
Affiliation: The Crackheads Weapon: Crackpipe of Calamity Bio: She starts out as innocent, little, skipping Susie from Montana, but after coincidentally stumbling upon the biggest crack rock ever found, she becomes the infamous Susie Crackhead, devoted to spreading the ways of Crackism. She has a long road ahead of her, but she's ready for it with her stinging wit and stinging cracks on the head with her Crackpipe of Calamity! But what will her ultimate destiny be? Ginseng Jen
Weapon: Nauseating Neon Knitting Needles Bio: Though she may be a domestic dream girl, her true intentions are death and destruction. She is the first to encoutner Susie on her proselytizing mission, and she it about to have a life-altering experience. King Koob
Weapon: His gnome army Bio: Leading the nefarious gnome army and bent on stopping Susie in her tracks, King Koob creates catastrophe. But, like so many others, he's about to find out what it means to cross paths with one of the greatest heroines the world has ever known! Alan "The Fishman"
Affiliation: The Alcoholics Weapon: Flatulating Fish Juice of Death Bio: "The Fishman" is one of the kingpins of the Alcoholics, a band of ruffians devoted to getting other people and themselves drunk. The ensuing confrontation with Susie is a foregone conclusion! Bad Bad Leroy Brownlie
Affiliation: The Alcoholics Weapon: Acquires tranformation abilities Bio: After undergoing a massive mutation, the Alcoholic known as Bad Bad Leroy Brownlie becomes an extremely powerful foe. But are his powers enough to turn the tide in favor of the Alcoholics? Dean the Incontinent
Affiliation: The Alcoholics Weapon: His sneak attack Bio: Little does the rest of the world know what lies underneath his hardened, alcoholic exterior.... Absolut Amanda
Affiliation: The Alcoholics Weapon: Operatic abilities Bio: With a voice like a vocalist Valkyrie, Absolut Amanda crushes the enemies of Alcoholism from the seemingly empty sky! She is clearly a force to be reckoned with. Rehab Rob
Affiliation: The Crackheads Weapon: Semi-formal Serum Bio: Rehab Rob is a reformed Alcoholic who now embraces the ways of Crackism and of peace and harmony. But how deeply does he believe in the tolerance that he preaches? J.J., The Spirit of Crack, Keeper of the Crack Rock
Affiliation: The Crackheads Weapon: Supernatural abilities/lightening Bio: J.J. is the silent Spirit of Crack, the lifeflow of all adherents to Crackism. Only with his help does Susie Crackead stand a chance against such adversaries! Babbling Brett
Weapon: Oompah Loompah Army Bio: As King of the Oompah Loompahs, Babbling Brett seeks to conquer the land. But what happens if the forces of Crackism and Alcoholism prove to be unconquerable? BJS
Affiliation: The Starcraft Five Weapon: His trombone Bio: BJS likes to pummel his enemies with harsh trombone tunes and Republican rhetoric and then play Starcraft! Shaggy Srida
Affiliation: The Starcraft Five Weapon: His shagginess Bio: An avid computer gamer, Shaggy Srida doesn't have time to shave. He only has time for Starcraft! Ramblin' Ramin
Affiliation: The Starcraft Five Weapon: His vast knowledge Bio: Ramblin' Ramin has a few moments to teach you some trivia and then play Starcraft! Dainty Dan
Affiliation: The Starcraft Five Weapon: His battle axe Bio: Dainty Dan will crack your head and then play Starcraft! Suave Steve
Affiliation: The Starcraft Five Weapon: His chest hair Bio: The ladies love Steve's suaveness, but they hate his 'Crafting! Jiggling Jiffy-Pop Jeff
Affiliation: The Red and Blue Weapon: His Monica Lewinsky hat Bio: Jeff's powers are largely understated in this epic, though you would be impressed if you saw him in action. He's been known to get free refills...for free!
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written and illustrated by Dan Fritz copyright 1997-1998 |
